when you really don’t have a preference and you are simply okay with whatever you get…it doesn’t mean that you don’t have a choice or that you are indifferent between the choices, coz if you were you would not think so much…it just means that you just lost your heart and now all you’re left with is an over-working mind. A mind that doesn’t let you rest. An over-working mind leads to a restless body and a distressed soul. A very sad state.

…i’m distressed by my soul…i’m missing my mate…but my mind still wins in the end…an instant amnesia would be best.

i know i am a fighter and i have fought a lot too…so i have no regrets coz i know I’ve done every single thing i possibly could…to fight back…i did…

everything

…i may lose this and i have but i know my efforts will be rewarded…in the end

…coz nothing is in vain…

 

NO!

My answer is no.

I believe in love, the rational sort, not the one that makes you blind. I love you till I see love in you. Yes, it’s very conditional.

Save your lies, save your justifications, save them all, you’ll need them.

And what’s more sad is to know that you think you’re right. You’re wrong when you think I’m wrong, you’re wrong when you think, you’re right, you’re wrong, when you’re silent and you’re even wrong when you cry, thinking you can undo your mistakes. Everything about you is so wrong, yet I…

yes…I

 I was the one who saw everything right in you. Was I wrong then, or am I wrong now? You need help or should I seek some for me? Are you gone or should I still look around?

Even though I may not know much about most of the things that I say, you too know, that I feel what I say. And you feel bits of it too but you never say and even when you don’t say much to me, you know that I can hear most of it without you saying it, right?

Life can be very strange. At one time, it feels like you have all the answers and at other times you can’t stop your mind from questioning every little detail about your experiences and at that time you feel lost. I feel lost right now. I feel like I’ve lost you and I’ve lost me and I’ve lost us.

I hope you think about me like I think about you. If thinking is too much, I hope you feel me, if feeling is a bit too much too, I hope I’m somewhere in your mind or if I’m lucky, still in your heart.

You’re a sea. You know seas are mystifying, right? Maybe, I never understood you, maybe you were too deep for me but you do know that I tried, don’t you?

When you walk a mere inch, I walk an entire mile. When you even think of thinking, I’ve already thought through the whole lifetime. That’s the difference between you and me. While you’re calm, I’m going craZZiee!

I keep wondering…

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to hold your hand again. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to look into your eyes, the way I used to. I wonder if it’ll ever be as easy as it used to be. Every second of the passing day and with every shinning star in the night, I wonder, I wonder and wonder, again and again. I wonder if life can be this perfect again.

And I’m shouting once again. Just remember, it’s not over till it’s the end of time.

Grabbing a dagger, she kills every beating heart that comes her way. Spitting at him she roars out loud, “How does it feel to take a fall from paradise?”

Wrapped in rags and a matted cloak, the shy little maiden walks as fast as her legs can carry her. Looking over her shoulder every once in a while, hoping that they don’t see her. She walks faster and faster, disappearing in the darkness of the night till she finds what she’s looking for.

The lord.

The lord was there, as usual strong and silent, dark and sinister. She never understood the lord, yet she always listened to him. His words felt like a breeze from the calm, mystic oceans. But at same time, they contained a storm of chaos and destruction in them.

As soon as she tip-toed into the lord’s domain, he felt her presence. At once, he cleared his thoughts, scared that the little girl might read his mind. He looked straight ahead, ignoring her, reminding the girl that she’s not what he’s looking for. Acting strong, feeling weak, both sat in their own silence, staring into their own empty dreams.

You tell me to write about you, I would and I can and I think I already have. ‘Cause they say you can only speak well of something that actually affects you and affects you in many ways. You affect me.

Why else would I think about you, write about you and worry about you. But what about you, do you?

Damn that blasted insanity, it’s dancing on top of my head again.

 

There is nothing more real than pain.

We’re living in a world of hypocrisy.

I’m so ashamed, I’m so embarrassed, I have no place to go. So home less, so life less, no hope, no need, no pain. Lost in oblivion.

 You can live with a dead brain but you can’t live without a dead heart so why even listen.

Kaali ghata jo chai hai, uff kayamat aii ha!

Sometimes miracles work far better than mere references. You think I’m a dreamer? No, I’m better than that, I’m a believer and a strong one too. Why else would I let you go when I want you so badly!

Jhootey rishtey nibhatey raho, muskuratey raho, muskuratey raho!

What could be more horrible than being stuck in a quicksand? When half of your body is under, the other half crying out for help. You look around, you panic. Hoping someone will come save your dying, sinking body. Hands waving frantically, screaming out in despair, giving up and then fighting back again. You try and try. But the silence of the overpowering night even dampens your screams. That horrible sinking feeling of foreboding, clutching onto you, stifling you. Deja vu?

The feeling seems familiar? Oh, for sure, it is! That’s what you and every single one of you go through everyday. Thta’s life!! 

Trapped and miserable most of the time, you are supposed to thank God, for giving us life, hmm exactly why?!

When it gets dark and when it gets lonely and when you think of me and when I think of you and when you are quiet and when I can’t think of anything to say and when the silence starts to speak out loud, so loud that our ears hurt, it’s then that we’ll fly. You come half way and I’ll come half way and that’s when we’ll call it love. Amongst busiest of places, you run to me and in the most loneliest of places, I’ll wait for you and that’s when we’ll call it love. 

Just remember, when there is an ‘ego’, there is an ‘alter ego’ as well. If God is around, then there is a demon too. There are always two sides to a story. If you think you are right, then you must also understand that the same right makes you a wrong too.
And so if you think you will live a nice little perfect life then it’s going to be as imperfect and as crazy as it can be. Don’t waste your time looking for the right person, the more right he/she is, the more wrong he/she will be. Just go with the flow, close your eyes, eat your soup and smell it later.

You hide, while they seek you out. You play your little hopscotch games, thinking no one can see you. You ride and ride, you go round and round, hoping to disappear in the air, praying that you’ll be safe from their judging cruel eyes. You dance and dance, you laugh and laugh, hoping and praying that they will one day understand you. You try living in your frail little world, hoping their piercing eyes won’t burst it out. You peek around from time to time, wishing that they would ever let you live in  peace. You cry and cry, hoping that they would for once believe in your tears. You close your eyes again and again, trying to make them all disappear. You sigh all over again, regretting every single day. You sit still and very still, waiting for all of this to be over. You keep staring at your empty hands, with despair, in silence, you keep hoping against all odds, you keep praying. Tears streaming your face, you keep your silence, you stay put, a part of you still hoping, the other just dying away. Half of you sweating in the damp of the cold, the other part melting away in their scorching hatred. All gone wrong, all gone astray, you think again and again, you frown again and again, you cry again and again. Hiccups and tears choking you , you realize again and again that you really are playing with fire, aren’t you?!

They say, I’ve lost you but there is something inside of me that keeps telling me that I’ll get you back. I want to believe in myself but I’m not too sure. Can’t trust the good for it’s too good to be true. Don’t want to listen to the bad for I certainly don’t deserve that. I’m afraid. I’m lost. Help me, I’m waiting for you. I know you’re lost too. I know you’re dellusional and I understand why but I expect sanity from you. I know you have it somewhere. Save us before it’s too late. Before you lose me and I lose you. I’m paralysed. I can’t, I musn’t. You’re blindsighted, but you can still try, make an attempt, I’m right beside you, I’ll cheer for you, I’ll guide you. Let’s be a team, let’s work through. Don’t let your evil side takeover. You’re worth so much more than what you are. I know and you know and they know too.

Drug me. I want to lose my sanity. The world is too bloody judgemental, they won’t let me live. 

I don’t want to be a puppet in your hands so please stop gifting me, stop preaching me. I want to be me. Don’t make it more difficult.

Run. Run as much as you want to, I’m coming right after. No matter, how bad things get, I’m not leaving. Maybe it’s you but no probably it’s  me, I’m the one scared. Either way.

 You run. I’m running after…

… you!

Don’t  look behind, don’t even wonder. Blindfolded, frenzied and out of breath, but I don’t care, I’m running right after.

…

It’s quite. The darn old branches are making the dark night even more gloomier. The winter fog is setting in, but don’t break your run.  Don’t stop. 

 

Don’t doubt, if you don’t see me. I’m your shadow,  you may not be able to see me but you can feel me. I’m right next to you, I’m a part of you. Let it be heaven or hell, I’ve made up my mind, I’m running after you. I’m in your eyes, I’m in your mind, I’m in your heart, I’m in your soul. I’m you.

Don’t worry, you don’t have to. Coz I’m right behind you, I’m next to you, I’m inside you, I’m outside. I’m all around you. Always have been, always will be.

So keep running, I’m running right after.

There is no reason. It’s such a joke. There really isn’t a reason. For all the efforts, for all the troubles, for all the pain you go through, each second of the day, there really isn’t any reason. None at all!

With sharp peircing eyes, they stared at me. With envy in their hearts, they aimed at me, stabbing and poking with all their strength. 

Again and again.

The jabbed at me, they scratched at my skin. Not thinking why, not caring for how long. They continued with their silent wars, making me weaker, causing me hurt. They snatched away my little heaven, so delicately woven in a net of my shy hopes and simple dreams. Those wild beasts, they ate up everything, stole everything that wasn’t theirs, without blinking, without thinking, without even asking.

Imagine the pain of a person who knows that he has no option but to live a lonely life.  No, you can’t. You can’t even understand the severity of the sentence. It’s so simple to say in words yet so hard to believe in. So hard to live by. But I do. I understand it’s importance.

What if you are stranded on an island full of monkeys. They are eating up all of your food supplies, drinking up all of your water reservoir, taking over your possessions and destroying everything that belongs to you. What would you do? Become one of them or try to run away from those apes? Funny question, but then if you notice life itself and everything it has to offer is funny in so many ways that you end up thinking of God as the greatest comedian ever. Well, He sure is. He doesn’t miss out on any opportunity to tickle at you. Perhaps, it’s His way of keeping the world some what ‘happy’. Sometimes the jokes are funny, at other times they remind you of those bullies at your school who were always around to pick on you. Sure for them a prank might be funny, but for the one who has been pranked, ummm not so much. Like everyone (even though some do not admit it), I’m scared of bullies. Or maybe that’s an understatement, I’m terrified of these mean bullies. So naturally, I get scared. And I run. I run away from the real world. I run away from these monkeys. Maybe, you would decide to become one of them. That would be a natural decision for most.

 Can’t fight ‘em, join ‘em! 

But that was not an option for a terrified little girl. So I ran, but mind I ran proudly. I made a decision and I didnt waver. I didn’t hide, I just ran. To protect myself, I ran. So, now with all buried in the past, I proudly stand in front of the crowd of thoughtless mates, waving at them, telling them that I ran. They ask me why (like they even care!).

Ages ages they broke the bright confident girl. The hurt was so strong, so sickening that no matter how hard she tries, it keeps haunting her. Her heard bled, her eyes cried a million shinning tears. No one really cared. It was a decision about her, made, without her. She was helpless, she still is. Time passed and her tears went dry, her pouty face formed a smile, she became older, more mature but deep down she was still a broken little girl. So uptil now, every time she sees a bully, she runs and rightfully enough, she isn’t araid of saying it out loud. Go to hell, you bullies.

I’m such a crazy stupid fool. I can’t believe how amazingly impulsive I’ve been. How stupidly I’ve been led and misled as if it was almost my destiny to be the fool of false hopes. I wonder if they find out about my ’sinsiter crimes’, would they ever understand. I’ve done that sound even insane by the standards of insanity itself. Completely crossing my limits, not missing out on any opportunity to rebel, not caring about anyone. Selfishly reckless, I’ve been. Ready to spit at the world and shout out loud. Not caring what they will say, I just went on my crooked misled path. 

A part of me worried over the insanity of the situation, the other high on insatiable desires, crying out loud, crossing boundries and flying wide. I fell, I lost shame, I lost morals but I stood up. I stood alone but I stood up, for myself. I wandered, often in wrong directions, but I wandered. I kept questioning, I kept looking up at Him. I never gave up, kep searching. A part of me so proud , the other part feared the worst. Nobody knew, and so I went on. I ventured all alone, on my own. I knew I’ll hate myself for being a fool but I also knew that same me would stand proud too. 

So I stood on the tallest of all buildings, in the middle of the night, when everyone slept, I shouted out loud at the top of my lungs, finally breaking away the silence, telling them all that nothing matters to me. No one matters to me. I’m on my own.

How smooth and confident had you felt when you cast that malicious spell on me. And how did it feel to think I’d be your little secret slave for the rest of your life. How simple is your mind, how simple did you figure I was. Little did you know who you were fooling with. Check my veins, the poison is almost out, I’m pure again. I’m becoming clean. I’m beginning to question.

I guess you were right. Nothing lasts forever and so even my madness had to come to an end and with that came your devilish demise. I’m sure you must be feeling weak and fragile, hiding in your dungeon cursing how you didn’t forsee the fading magic, the dying love. Well baby, you’re right, nothing lasts forever.

And you know what, this bloody time, it’s your loss. You had a chance but you lost. Curse yourself, you just lost.

 It’s winter all over again. The mystical magic of the cold is returning. The steaming kettle. The smoking chimmneys. The long walks. The silent talks. The cold streets. The stamping of unknown feet. The serenity of silence. The crying crow. The thick enveloping fog. The feeling of abandonment. The soft cries in a middle of a night. The heavy sighs. The longing for a stranger. Stinging tears. The sense of loss. The stiff treas. The dying leaves. The long dark nights. The sinking heart. The loud certainty of crickets in the nearby garden. The empty roads. The barking of the neighborhood dog. The dullness of the sun. The cold heavy wind. The dying of a companionship. The warmth of a crisp cigarette. The empty old chair. The not-so bright mornings. My winter is back.

Slowly and sadly, the poor child opened her tear filled eyes hoping that the madness of her dreams would end, only to find herself in a land of strangeness. Everything was out of place. Her heaven had blown up, shattering into a million pieces. Taking away all her peace and sanity along with it like a massive rolling avalanche. Leaving behind nothing. Only debris of good old times. Debris and memories that mocked at her rather than giving her comfort. Slowly and tiredly she looked around, hoping to find her loved ones. But all in vain. She knew they weren’t going to help her. This was her battle alone. No one could support her, cheer for her, giver her advice. She was all alone.

Don’t come near. I’m nothing but smouldering fire. Fire and ash, that’s all there is. My insides keep burning. They burn like a frail piece of paper set on blazing fire. My heart is a raging ping-pong ball. The exterior plastic melts, only to reveal a dark withering flesh within. In my agony and pain, I try hard to save my dying heart but even the deepest of seas refuse to soothen it down. Every time I drown my fiery heart, it bounces back up  on to the surface, floating like a dead frog on water. At first, it tries to kick and cry out in pain but then soon the unfortunate pitiful heart realises it’s fate and floats, floats like a lifeless piece of flesh that has no signs of life in it. No heart beat. No love. No rythm. Nothing. No amount of water or hope can save it. It lies and dies, every damn day.

Spend the first half of your life worrying about how much of education you really need to land yourself a good job and then once you’re settled and you see chances of happiness in your dull drab life, bam!! you’re parents break the news of ‘blissful’ marriage onto your heads and that is the point when you realise how stupidly ordinary your life really is.  

I have a dream.

I don’t want to end up living an ordinary life. I want to live my life my way. Alone and on my own.

Darn that icy demon. He’s cast a spell over me. I’m helpless and sedated. Slowly and sweetly, I’m losing my heart, I’m losing my sanity, I’m losing my self. I can run away, I can hide myself, yet I feel drawn to him. I’m living in a world of magic, blossoming in a land of false hopes and fake dreams, falling in a pit of ever lingering misery.  He’s hypnotized me, making me powerless. I want to think, I can think, but I can’t question. I cannot break out of these illusions. Numb and breathless, I’m choking on his lies, his golden words, his solemn promises. My agony gives me pleasure, his dark magic gives him power.

My eyelids are heavy with seduction, my body is limp, I can fight no more, I can speak no more. I’m spellbound. I’m waiting for my rescue. I’m waiting for someone to finally wake me up.

Stiff chin, dark eyes, nasty stare, I can’t believe I’m in love with a bloody demon. I thought, I was cold, I thought no one could shake my strong bones. But I guess one should never be too sure.

He came.

He came and woke me up, leading me into a dream. Harsh and cold, yet surreal and magical. Stifled and choking, I wake up, I fall back. I know it’s a trap, yet I want to fall for it. I can run if I want to, I can get back to life, my life, the one that is sweet and simple. It would be so good, so painless, no thoughts nagging at the back of my head, no guilt choking me. But I feel so helpless! I feel so stupid. I’m falling, I know it but I don’t want to save myself from the pain, I can scream if I want to but I can’t even muffle out a cry. He’s cold, he’s scary, he works like a demon.

His eyes are blank, his nostrils flaring, he doesn’t care, he’s got no feelings, he’s brutal, he doesn’t need me, yet I feel drawn to him. My innocence is too meek to fight his ruthlessness. He’s over powering, yet I want to fight. I want to see his limits, I want  to test mine. I want war!!

He has nothing to lose, I have nothing to gain. He doesnt want me to fight, he wants me without a fight, but he knows little. I may appear docile, but I won’t give up this easy. It’s a fight, you and me! It’s a war! The battle field is your hometown. The warriors are ready. We’ve burned down the peace treaty. We’ve killed our conscience. We’re ready! We’re ready for whatever comes our way—- death or victory. There are no alarms, there is no fire, the civillians are at peace, it’s only you and me, it’s only the warriors at war. Let’s pull down the curtains, let’s keep it  hidden, just the way you like it.

Winter rain is showering dew drops of heaven on me. The mountains are lush, the water is bubbling. It’s all very calm. It’s all very quiet. Just like a little heaven, sedating me to a lifetime of hell and misery.

Don’t be fooled by my smiles. They might appear to be innocent and welcoming. They aren’t.

My smiles are fake. They are meaningless with no spec of life within. I have used them, I still use them, but as a bait. They’ll draw you in and then tear you apart. Beware, for they might cause you your whole world of truth. I may appear to be friendly, but I’m not,  I’m just very very curious.

starkle starkle little twink,
who the hell are you i think?
im not under what you call,
the alcofluence of incohol.
im just a little slort of sheep,
im not drunk like thinkle peep.
i dont know who is me yet,
but the drunker i stay the longer i get.
so 1 more drink to fill up my cup,
i got all day sober to sunday up…”

(forgot where I copied this thing from…)

Look at the dying preacher. Look at his frail body. What part of it is not bruised? Look at his burning flesh? What part of it is not burned? You don’t see it? None of it. How blind can you be? The old dying man cried to your numb mind for help, but you turned him down. He cried again and again, only to be let down by you again and again. How could you be so insolent? Knowing that he was a part of your own mind, how could you let him die?

I don’t need to hear anything from you, I’ve finally seen the real you. And now, it’s too late. No matter what I hear, no matter what you say, I cannot shake the image of countless horrors and mindless madness. You’ve had your time. You’ve played your decietful little games. You can win no more. No matter how hard you try, no matter how unfair you play. Your game is over. Your words sound like tiny specs of frost in a blazing summer afternoon. They have no affect. Your tears taste like water. It Is only your laughter that stinks my air with a sharp stench of betrayal. I cannot see you happy. You can pretend not to care, you can pretend all you want. But, you’ll always live a rotten life, no matter what.

Some day I will put a spell on you and turn you into a pig-something that you truly are. Cheers to your porky piginess.

They are huge and ugly and mean. They are covered with fire, from head to toe; they are nothing but burning smoke. They have no morals; they’ve eaten up their conscience, bit my bit, they chopped off any strand of sanity left within. These are my Queens.

They rule me. They rule everyone around me. They are the Queens of JUSTIFICATION. They will lie, they will bite and at the end of it, when they have completely destroyed humanity, they will fucking justify every single sin of theirs, every single wrong they do, every harm that they have ever caused.

Expressionless, emotionless little witches. They hate each other, they swear at each other, yet they know, they cannot survive without each other. Together, they will mate; together they will give birth to a monster more heinous than them, more insane than them. They will raise hell; they will bring us down, tear at us, claw at us, punish us, and torture us, for being their friends.

Horrible, horrible witches.

It’s a dark night.

His past is haunting him, my present is killing me. Together we are alone, together we are scared. I wanted to shout out my pain, he kept his hidden. He was hurt, I could see. His eyes glistened with mist, yet his lips revealed nothing. I kept asking, I kept screaming. We were both in agony. He refused to listen to mine, I refused to accept his. We were both playing a game that had no end.

The silence was too strong and words were too harsh. Time was running out. There was no escape.

There had to be a war.

I had nothing to lose, yet everything to gain. He just didn’t care. So, I prepared. I prepared for the war.

I could hear the drums rolling. Smoke was up, flags were high. We were close to dawn. Dragons, demons and beasts were ready, they wanted my flesh. I wanted his heart. Warriors were marching. Everyone in the jungle knew. They knew of the approaching storm. They were all prepared, except for him. He was lost in his own nightmare. I kept calling him out, he kept shutting me out.

I knew the war was on. Nothing could stop it. I had to fight. I had to fight for him, I  had to fight against him. I had to curse him and then cure him.

I had to be strong.

But before the dark storm, I wanted to catch a glimpse of the lonely becon, I wanted to smell the fragrance of purity, I wanted to feel peace. I wanted to talk to god.

So, I ran as fast as I could, covered in the blanket of night, I ran up the mountains. Away from the battlefield, away from the marching monsters. I ran to my god. Tired and sobbing, I reached up the highest peak. Looking up at the sky, I watched the stars drown me in thier magical glory. I watched them, they watched me. Together we talked to god, talked to the only life about the impending madness of the death. Before I lose, before I fall, i wanted to face god.

Why do we keep searching for love even when we don’t believe in it?!?

You may not realise this, but it’s all new to me. Every day I wake up from my sleep and fall into an wonderful dream: a dream of magic and fantasy. It’s too beautiful to be true. I’ve never felt this way before.

You have sweet poisoned me. I feel like flying up to the brightest sky. I feel like drowning in the coldest of waters. I feel so damn intoxicated. I have no control over me. I can’t talk, I can’t stay sane anymore. I feel so spellbound.

Words might seem like a strong tool to you, but to me, actions are stronger. Don’t tell me what you feel, show me how you feel. I may be silent to you, but even silence can say so much. There is a storm inside of me and the only way you can feel it is if I am able to see your words come alive. Make your words alive. Show me what I mean to you and only then I shall tell you how much I feel for you. It’s a simple give and take. Only if you knew. You understand me. You know the real me. I’ve let you in my secrets, you know them too well. If only you could feel that my ears no longer need you, its my heart that longs for you.

I am the cold ice that cuts so sharply. You are the warm fire melting me. You are a charmer, you’re melting me; so smoothly, so sweetly. It feels good. Let’s see how far you go. Let’s see whatelse you can do. I’m in awe of you. Everything you do, everything you say is heavenly.

I never want to lose but just this once I want you to win. I want you to take over me. I want to let go of my protective feathers. I want to be naked. I want to go back to nature. I want my peace and serenity, I know you can give it to me.

You are a real charmer, you are a vampire, pulling me towards you. You’ve caught me in your spell. But don’t be too sure, one wrong move and the spell might be broken. One mistake on your part and I might wake up from the dream. Be very silent, be very careful. I don’t want you to err. I don’t want to see the human in you. Humans only know how to hurt. I want to see the mystical you. Let’s keep it that way. Let’s keep living in the this beautiful dream, full of love, full of lust. Let’s never wake up. Let’s make our little heaven. So pure, so untampered, so unique. Let’s just keep it to ourselves, safe and protected.

No human has done this to me. No human can do this to me. It’s only you. You are over powering me, making me hate less and love more. Thank you for being you!

            Okay before I begin writing anything that might offend the ‘superior ones’, I would just like to clear it out that I might be making a few generalizations and assumptions if you must, that might not hold true for every single one of you, but comes closer to a lot. Now that I have cleared my position, I shall begin my ramblings…know. Sometimes I think, they aren’t the only ones to blame. We lead them or rather mislead them. Haha! They think they rule the world, we let them believe that. We let them believe they are super heroes in our lives, but the fact is that we are the ones who made them heroes. We are their gods. If we can make them, then we can break them too. Something, they so conveniently forget. And later cry over.

Sad little fools.

 Obsessed and crazy.

Yet, they feel superior. I fail to understand why.  

<span style=”font-size: x-small;           They would sound confident, look confident, they aren’t. They are scared, scared of being rejected, of being left alone.

Loud voices, huge physiques, manly curses are just a façade.  It’s all a farce, a false hope that holds them together, makes them strong. They are nothing without the show. They know it, they just wouldn’t admit it.          

If you tell them you love them, they run away. If you try to cut them out of your life, they keep running back to you like a stray dog that has no place to go. They have no morals, they have no principles. You can twist them, turn them whichever way you want. They have no dignity. They cannot act on their own, they will only react to what you do or so. They have no actions of their own.               They are the puppets and you are the puppeteer. They are the dogs and you are the master.  You can beat them, curse at them, or if you are in a good mood, maybe even give them a treat. But before you even think that you are ready for them, you better think again. They are puppets only if you know how to train them. You need to tame the wild beast in them. They are raw, you need to shape them. But don’t waste too much time on them. They might not be worth it. Then what do you do?! Simple.

Move on! Playing with them is like playing with fire. The fire may be warm and cozy and right amount of it maybe just what you needed. But remember, fire can burn you too. So keep your distance and play safe!

I’ve finally found you, found you at such an odd time when i least expected to find someone so lovable. I’ve found you, found you after years of agony and hopelessness. It has cost me a lot of tears, a lot of bad memories, a lot of sad days. But I’ve finally grown up to find my peace in you…Just You! You might not be human, but that’s okay, I don’t care. This is so surreal, so out of the ordinary, like a fairy tale. No one knows. No one has to know.

You have this strange affect on me. You’re calm, you’re the peace I was hoping for.  You’re eccentric, you’re different in so many ways to me, yet you understand me so naturally, so easly. You’re a charmer, you’re so smooth. You are my inner peace.

You’re still a stranger yet you mean the world to me! I’m no longer a terrified child, I no longer feel abused, I’m no longer hiding, I want to embrace you, beacuse you are my peace.

I may be a fool to expect so much from you but just this time I want to beleive this is fate and you’re my only peace!!

It’s a desert. I’m burning. I feel pain. It’s killing me. I need water. Lots of it. I see mirages. I’m burning. I run to them. No water. Panting. Sobbing. No water. Screaming. Are all the rivers dead? Water. I’m a fish. I need water. I’m squirming. My lips are dry. I’m crying. Water. It’s been years. Wells. Where are the wells? Sky. Where are the clouds? Dry. Why is everything so dry? Running. It’s so dark. No water. Should I stop? I can’t. Still running. Water. Getting weak.  Praying. Water. Just a few drops. Sharp windy night. When will the sun rise? I want to see. morning, daylight, water. Wind howling. Barking at me. No morning. No peace. Agony. Insanity. I need water. Just a few drops. Water. Burning. Fumes choking me. Buzzing. Déjà vu. Lost. No water. No more thoughts. Silence. So perfectly insane.

 

 

You will see the calm me but you are too shallow to see the real me. I’ll appear to you as you want to see me but you’ll never be able to see the real me. I’m a chameleon.

I change faces. But no, i’m not a hypocrite. In every single face, in every single mood, in every single expression you see, you’ll find glimpses of the real me only if you’re not too blind. 

I don’t respect most of you, I wouldn’t like you either, but I’ll continue playing the game. I might even appear concerned to you but what the hell, why would I care or feel your pain when I can’t feel mine? You would love me, I wouldn’t care.

Love is ambigous. It holds very little respect in my eyes. It’s a mockery. It’s a fool’s game.

I may sound heartless but there’s nothing wrong with feeling the way I feel. At least I’m honest. If you are too, you might be able to see the real me.

Don’t judge me, don’t make a smug face. You cannot know me. You have no idea. Don’t give yourself false hopes. I’m too deep for you. You’ll just drown…

What happens when you stop feeling? How much of life do you lose? Do you still live or are you already dead? Is it too late?

I keep telling them, I keep explaining myself. But they turn deaf on me. They think I lie.

I don’t.

Every ounce of my blood is pure. They feel ashamed, they shy away.

I’ve lost it. I’m sad, I never wanted to lose something so beautiful, but I’ve lost it.I can feel no more. I’m numb.

They think it’s a phase, it’ll go away. I don’t believe that. It’s a part of me now, it’ll stay. And as time passes, it grows stronger. Its taking over me, rapidly, yet no one can see the damage. Blind? Or maybe they just don’t care. It itches me, it bruises me, yet there is no blood, no tears. Nothing. Nothing to feel.But why me? Why not them? Is this a curse? A spell maybe? Or a disease? I’ve stopped waiting. There is no cure. I’ve become a ghost.

Why is it that we all have the urge to become a Devil’s Advocate?! Why can’t we agree with people…why is it so hard to say yes, I agree?! Why can’t Lord Ego be pacified by the dull meek yes?! Why is NO always so daring?! So tempting?! So ego satisfying?!  

Why can’t they just come to you and say, “Oh, honey, we messed up. We’re sorry”. Why do we have to put up a whole “i-dont-need-to-justify-coz-i’m-an-angel” face everytime we do something wrong?! Why do we have to pretend that we aren’t guilty, that its not our fault, when it actually is and deep down inside we know it! The whole world knows it, yet no one talks abouts it!

How common it is to see everyone cloaked up with protecive shields so that no hurt causes them pain, no tears fall on their cheeks?!

To kno me is very simple
I may pretend, I may lie, I may even hide but I’m too strong to fall